‘Tis the season… of obligation

Stress and overwhelm are a big theme with my clients this time of year - and other seasons like it.

And a big part of this is the giant list of things we feel we have to do.

Yours might sound something like this...

I have to buy my cousin a gift because she always buys me one and I'll feel guilty if I don't.

I have to be available for if my patients need me over the holiday because otherwise I'll feel like I'm not doing my duty as a healthcare professional.

I have to host my friends for an end-of-year celebration because they've been hosting for the past few years and I feel bad that I haven't reciprocated.

I have to clean my house before my sister-in-law visits because I don't want her to think I'm a slob.

I have to send out Christmas cards to everyone I know because everyone else does it so it would feel awkward if I didn't.

I have to find out what dessert everybody will like because I don't want anyone to be disappointed by what I bring.

And so it goes on...

And you might think all of this is just unavoidable for this season; after all, everyone around you seems just as stressed & overwhelmed.

Or you might tell yourself that you're just getting into the giving spirit of the festive season by doing all-of-the-things for all-of-the-people.

But here's how you know that it's obligation driving your actions, rather than true generosity.

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1. You don't feel like you have a choice. When you're being altruistic, you feel a sense of choice - i.e. I could do this, or I could not - and I'm choosing to do this. When you're driven by obligation, you don't even feel like you have the option of doing it any differently - you HAVE to do it.

2. Your motive is the avoidance of discomfort. True generosity is the desire to contribute to the well-being of others, not for us to avoid discomfort or judgement. In other words, these behaviours are really for you and not for them.

Now, let me be super clear that I am NOT saying you're not a generous person.

But when you are doing something that feels like it's not your choice and you'd be SO uncomfortable if you didn't do it... that's not true generosity.

And a big part of emotional adulthood is being really honest with ourselves about this.

Of finally admitting when we're doing things out of obligation.

Of being honest about how we would feel if the roles are reversed (would you want a gift given from obligation or a "yes" that came with a side of resentment??)

And of being honest enough to admit that we are adults and we actually do have a choice in all of this.

We would finally - as my coach would say - start putting the "own-up" in "grown-up".

So if you want to get into the driver's seat of your own life (and by extension, your experience of the festive season) then you get to decide what trade-offs you're willing to make.

Are you willing to experience the discomfort of guilt in order to honour your needs, desires and limits?

Are you willing to risk someone being upset with you in order to build a relationship that includes authenticity & honesty?

Are you willing to experience the discomfort of being judged as selfish or uncaring in order to have the deep knowing that you didn't disappoint or abandon yourself?

And are you willing to allow others the autonomy of experiencing their disappointment or distress without jumping in to save them or change how they feel?

I'd love to know: what discomfort would you need to be willing to experience in order to let go of obligation this festive season?