Creating your own identity

"I'm a perfectionist."

"I'm a people-pleaser."

"I'm not the kind of person that can say no to a patient."

"I'm a procrastinator."

"I've always been an anxious person."

"I can never stick to anything."

Any of these sound familiar?

This kind of language is something I'm often listening for as a coach. There is a difference between when someone says "sometimes I procrastinate on a task if it's not something I'm looking forward to doing" vs someone who says "I'm a procrastinator."

One sees it as a behaviour that they sometimes do & sometimes don't, depending on the context. The other sees it as just who they are. Consider how these two people are likely to approach the kind of task that they typically put off.

Someone who sees procrastinating as an unwanted behaviour will seek to change that behaviour. They might work on the skills of doing a task even when it's uncomfortable, or they might make the task itself less uncomfortable & more enjoyable so that they're less likely to procrastinate on it. They may even realise that this was just something they thought they "should" do & they decide it's actually not something important to them and take it off the to-do list entirely.

The person who sees it as their identity will likely resign themselves to the fact that, as usual, they're going to procrastinate on this task. If they do try to do it differently, it's usually half-hearted because after all, they believe they're wrestling with who they are and not just with something they do.

And because they've resigned themselves to this identity, they'll repeat the behaviour & once again reinforce the exact same identity. See? Told you I'm a procrastinator.

And don't get me wrong, creating an identity out of a behaviour can be a really helpful thing when it's helpful. For example, when you want to exercise more regularly, seeing yourself as "someone who works out" is more helpful than saying "I'm trying to start working out more." Or if you're wanting to stop smoking, saying "No thanks, I don't smoke" when someone offers you a cigarette is more helpful than saying "No thanks, I'm trying to quit smoking."

Taking something on as an identity can be used as a tool to help us act in alignment with who we want to be.

So what can you do when you have an identity that isn't helping you act in alignment with who you want to be?

The first step - as it usually is - is the awareness and acknowledgement of it.

What would it be like to truly acknowledge the possibility that "who you are" is just a collection of repeated emotions and behaviours that you can choose to change at any time.

And while that may sound disconcerting (#whatisrealityanyway) - it can also open up a whole new world of possibility.

After all, if your identities were created by emotions and behaviours you repeated, you can also create completely new identities for yourself. And when you take those on, you can start acting in alignment with these new identities.

What would you do if you just are the kind of person who can set boundaries?

The kind of person who really takes care of themselves.

The kind of person who is comfortable desiring and speaking about money.

How would you behave if you just are the kind of person who always figures it out?

And what would you do differently if you believed that you just are someone who creates the life they want, even when it's uncomfortable?

Your identities are yours to create, Dear Clinician.

So make sure you're choosing the ones you really want, and the ones that EXPAND your life rather than contract it.

P.S. If you want to dive deeper into this topic of creating your own identity (or identities), you'll love this week's podcast episode. I also provide a few journal prompts in the episode that you can use to explore a current identity that you feel is holding you back from really stepping into the version of you that you want to be.

You can access it by clicking on the button below. Happy listening!